Lecherous Broads For Clay Aiken!
Lecherous Broads for Clay Aiken!


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2003-10-30
12:09 p.m.

Broadmuda Triangle: Theresa (NSST)

Honest to God, there has never ever been any celebrity I was obsessed with. I have never been star-struck. There has never been any celebrity I wanted to meet, and I have NEVER had a crush on someone I had never met. I am going to be painfully honest here, because my path to Broad-dom is different from any I have seen or heard so far. I guess, though, that since I do live smack in the middle of the Broadmuda Triangle, the outcome was inevitable.

I never watched the first AI, except for little bits I caught while walking through the room where my daughter, Ashley, was watching. I thought there a lot of really horrible singers on there, and I really couldn�t understand her total addiction to the show. When AI II came around, my darling daughter had roughly nine months until she left for college, and I was determined to spend as much time with her as possible. She talked me into watching the auditions, telling me how hilarious they were. And by golly, she was SOOO right. Every week, we ran Dad out of the room and spent the next hour laughing uproariously at the truly awful singers. It wasn�t so funny that they couldn�t sing, but that they honestly thought they could. I remember like it was yesterday seeing a skinny red-head with glasses announce he was the American Idol. We looked at each other like, �Sure you are�, but when he opened his mouth, we were, um, impressed, to put it mildly. I think I said something to the effect of, �What a dork, but man, can he sing!� I am not always very smart.

As the weeks went by, I slowly became completely addicted to what was really just a karaoke talent show. We planned our evenings around AI, we discussed, argued, agreed, and just generally had a terrific Mother/Daughter bonding experience. What fun! When it came time to pick the finalists, with each group that performed we would try to figure out who would advance, and we were usually pretty good at it. When group 2 results night ended with Mr. Aiken going home, we just knew he would be back for the Wildcard show. (I need to mention that my so VERY intelligent daughter was already smitten and was voting for Butterstud even then.)

Wildcard night����� wow! I have always been an Elton John fan, but Clay kicked his *ss on that song!!!!!!! So, on the Wildcard results show, when the judges picked everybody BUT Clay, we were SO not worried, because it was quite obvious he was America�s choice. And he was just too cute for words when they called his name. I wanted to hug him and say, �That�s alright, honey, don�t worry�. (The urge to hug him became much stronger later!)

Now comes the part that causes me shame. Every time Clayton performed, I thought �Great voice, cute kid, kinda dorky�. The Smartest Daughter In The World just rolled her eyes at me, and stayed up voting for the cute dork. In my defense, though, I never once thought he would be voted off. His voice was just too good. Shamefully, for a very long time, I have to admit I wouldn�t have been terribly upset if he had been voted off, I just didn�t think he would be. (I am now on medication for this condition.) As the weeks went by, my admiration for his vocal technique grew stronger. Unlike the other contestants, he was never off key, never struggled with a note, and never showed anything less than total confidence. I DID get a little tingle Diane Warren night, because that black leather jacket was smokin�, but I was still in full control of my senses.

Then came Build Me Up Buttercup.

See, up till then, Clay had been a kid. I am a Bus #1 broad, and I never thought of him as more than a cute kid with a great voice. When he stepped out on the stage and sang that first line, my jaw hit the floor, my brain put on an endless loop of �Holy sh*t, look at him!�, and life as I knew it was over. This was a MAN with a great voice. And he was dead-sexy. I haven�t drooled since babyhood, but it is now a permanent part of my repertoire. The next day, I went out and bought a large number of blank video tapes, because I suddenly realized that AI wouldn�t go on forever, and I was going to need some Clay to live on. The very next week, To Love Somebody sent me completely over the edge. I not only caught up with Ash, I went zooming by her. She was still on �He�s really cute�, where I was on �OMGHSFGICB�. That was the night we started voting with 4 phones for the entire 2 hours. It was around that time I discovered the Bolt message board. What a hoot!! They always had all the latest news and happenings, and links to articles and editorials.

One day, someone posted a link to a cute page involving Sl**on�s Dream. I clicked around a little and found Bag Boy�����whereupon I promptly bookmarked the site. I checked in regularly to see what kind of hilarity was on the main page, but I have to admit I didn�t understand the concept of a guestbook, so I never visited the Purple Pages until one fateful day in August.

Backtracking a little, around the first of June (after the anomaly, but before the single came out) I was calling the radio stations in my area requesting they play This Is The Night. The third time I called Star 104.7 in Charlotte, the DJ recognized my voice. He put me on the air, and talked to me for about 10 minutes about the fact that I was in love with a guy half my age, and about the cool stuff I was finding on the internet about Clay (and also about the truly weird stuff). When we were off the air, he asked me to call in every day and tell them what was going on in Clay-land online. Well, I couldn�t think of anything I�d rather do!

For several weeks, I called in and did a little radio spot about all the really cool (and bizarre) stuff on the internet. Then the DJ got �all Clayed out� (how does THAT happen?), so I stopped calling except maybe once a week. On August 4th, I was getting all geared up for the Charlotte concert on the 8th, when I heard on Star 104.7 that they were having a contest for people to come to the station to MEET CLAY!!!!!!!!!! Oh. My. God. I have never been successful at winning any kind of contest, so desperation set in. With my mind going at warp speed, I dashed off an email to the DJ, begging and pleading �pleaseohpleaseI�llgiveyouanythinguptoandincludingmyfirstbornjustletmebethere.�

The next day, I got an email back from him. I fully expected to open the email and read, �Sorry, Theresa, you have to win the contest like everyone else.� I opened the email and read � Theresa, Of course we have a spot reserved for you. Please call the station to get your ID code and we will let you know what time to be here on Friday�. I had to read the email four times, hyperventilating to the point that my coworkers came to check on me. I was a totally incoherent, gibbering idiot, laughing and crying at the same time, and trying to dial the phone to call Ash and tell her we were freakin� going to MEET CLAY AIKEN!!!!!!!!!!!!

The details of the meeting can be found here and just let me say, it was absolutely incredible. He was so sweet, so adorable, and he did this to me...

which rendered me speechless � no mean feat.

Finally, I recovered the power of speech, and this is me telling him about the doughnut-butt page...

which he thought was hysterical.

I would be totally remiss if I didn�t include the one of Clayton with THE BEST DAUGHTER IN THE WORLD and Broad�in-training Ashley...

Aren�t they cute?.

We spent the rest of the day racing around getting the pics developed, having lunch with some gals from the NCC (Naughty Clay Chicks) chat group, and getting WAY too overstimulated before the concert. The concert was awesome, and I need to mention that our seats were over to the side of the stage. Clay did 4 (yes 4) shirt tugs and they were EVERY SINGLE ONE on our side of the stage. You will never convince me he didn�t check to see where I was sitting and make sure he did them all where I had a good view. They were all for me...YES THEY WERE!

When we got home from the concert, I got online and mooed at my pal on Instant Messenger. She came on and told me I was famous with the broads. I was like �huh?�. She said, �You HAVE to check out the guest book. They�re talking about you.� So began my very first foray into the Purple Pages. I was astonished! They were talking about me!! Annie was having me canonized!! Marie mentioned starting a fan site named �Admiring Broads for Theresa�! Julie wrote a poem about me! Tony named me �Queen Broad for the Day�! Marie said she loved me! Beth asked if she could see my BEVR (blush)! They were ASKING me to post. Heady, indeed.

The next morning, I quickly wrote my little story, and then took off for Atlanta (where I met wonderful broad Erin, who squealed and told me she saw my BEVR). When I got home, I ran to the computer, pulled up the site, and beheld my BEVR, spread there on the main page for all the world to see.

I was officially a broad - a little late to the party, but when I got there, I arrived with a BANG!

-Broad Not-So-Saintly Theresa

P.S. Exactly 1 week after my Clay encounter (on the very next Package Day) was my birthday. Annie and I threw a birthday party with some really wonderful party games. That was when she withdrew my application for sainthood, and I have been NSST ever since!

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