2004-04-27
1:35 p.m.

BEVR: Pam/Mare/Sheri in Seattle

Part I Seattle BEVR

Introduction

pam: You know, this three-way stuff is not as easy as it looks in the movies. You never really know who should be doing what to whom, or when, and oops, so sorry I accidentally kicked you and all that. Anyway, I�ve been nominated by my fellow broads to act as the BEVR majora, if you will. Now I wasn�t chosen simply because I was the fastest typist, or because I was most comfortable wallowing in my own verbal diarrhea. I�d like to say I was nominated because I have such an abundance of Claylove, and while all the preceding are true, I was actually nominated because I had the day off. So I (pam) will serve as the BEVR majora, and Sheri in Seattle and Mare will be the BEVR minora. We also have two important supporting players in Sharon �I am not a Writer� in Edmonds, and my daughter, the Non-BIT.

Now, before the roadtrip story unfolds, I do have an important pre-BEVR announcement. If anyone is looking to have Clack bequeathed to them, trust me, you don�t want to be in my will. I am feeling very inadequate with my piddly collection of computer Clack, a handful of Clorno mags, and Clay�s retail CDs. Probably about a fifth of what Sheri and Mare have. But if you really want to hit the clackpot, make nice with Sharon in Edmonds. Her Wall of Lustful Lechery? You must see it to believe it. Besides over a hundred purdy pics adorning the WOLL, hundreds more are organized into dozens of binders, which sit beside what really looks like a music store display rack of Clay CDs. Some may call her obsessed. I am simply envious.

Mare: How can I get a wall like that in my house? And we are talking High Quality clack.

Good-bye Canada!

pam: I have to share a little of my Thursday morning so you can get the full impact of the impending cellcertus interruptus. I quickly checked the purple pages and my e-mail before hitting the road. I got an e-mail from Mary in MD, offering her promised cellcert to new broad and concert/cellcert virgin, Elizabeth in OR. I was all kinds of verklempt from Mary�s kind gesture, and e-mailed Elizabeth with my phone number, and also let Mary know that I�m basically a slut and can cellservice more than one broad per evening. I was blowdrying my hair when the phone rang (yes, this is important). Elizabeth would love to be cellcerted during Kyrie. I got her number and also told her that I would be in the fifth row, and that if I were near the vicinity of the catwalk, she should also expect a call during WYSYLM. Elizabeth had not been downloading every available concert video, so I told her about Clay�s schtick. And I know I said, �just say �hello� when you hear him. The chance is slim, but he could be talking to you.�

Anyway, we talked for about 10 minutes, and it was really time to go, so I just left my half-finished hair and makeup as is. Big mistake. I remember reading the summer BEVRs, and snickering at the broads who carefully picked out their outfits, and touched up their hair and make-up just in case. C�mon, how delusional are these people? Oh, yeah, Clayton�s going to pick you out of thousands of fans in the audience. He�ll probably propose on the spot. Dream on, broads. (Remember, I was just a cynical lurker in those days. My crown of delusion is firmly screwed into place now, as most of you know. So you�d think I�d at least put on some lipstick.)

Now, those who don�t keep up with the purple pages may not know that Thursday was also Non-BIT�s 12th birthday. So what better birthday present than sitting in a car for hours on end with a bunch of old broads getting fangurrly over the Aiken? Standing in an arena parking lot for hours on end comes to mind, so I got her that too. Actually, we did stop to do a little shopping and lunch after we crossed the border [transcript of my conversation with the border guard: �Where are you going?� �Seattle� �OK�]. Non-BIT and I saw some Clayfans at the mall, but didn�t talk to them. [If the offending party is reading, please try to understand that pinning an 8x10 glossy of Clay onto a t-shirt does not qualify as either a craft project or a t-shirt. It just shouldn�t be done.]

Sleepless in Seattle (sorry, had to do it)

Here�s where we get to Mare�s house, so please get your whisks ready for the possible puddin� wrasslin� match which may break out at any time amidst all the hugging and squealing�

Mare: We had planned for months that pam and her Non-BIT would stay in my guest room. However, my mother called me unexpectedly needing a place to live. And even though her new apt. was ready and is only 2 miles away, she wanted to stay �with family� through Easter weekend. So sweet Mr. Mare decided to put US up in a hotel for the evening rather than dear old mom.

pam: I�m not saying anything about Mare�s navigational skills other than she lives in a really nice neighbourhood, I�m glad I got to see so much of it, and we finally made it to the hotel �just down the street� in about 15 minutes. And with Mare leading the way, I made it to Sharon�s house in an additional 20 minutes (remember this).

Mare: This may explain why mom was reluctant to leave before Easter. She probably feared I may never find her apartment again. In my defense, I was clayphoric over the thought of two concerts in two days, meeting new broad Sharon, AND spending two days with broads.

pam: Ogling Sharon�s WOLL put us even further behind schedule, so we piled into the Neon and headed toward the Space Phallus, er, Space Needle and the Seattle Center, site of both the pre-party and concert. With Sharon navigating and me driving, we made pretty good time. But still, Sheri and Heather called looking for us. It just wasn�t a party without all the broads.

Mare: We met Heather and heard about her hula dance and touching of the Clayton. Even got to see a picture. And we were all invited to be in the wedding party! Won�t Clay be thrilled to know he not only gets to marry Heather, a gorgeous young career-minded professional, but his wedding party will be filled with broads? We also met up with Trudi from Canada and saw a familiar face or two from previous Northwest pre-concert gatherings.

pam: Mare and I had two tickets in the fifth row, but she also wanted to upgrade tickets for Sheri and her friend. [Sharon sat in the stands with her daughter and granddaughters and promised she behaved herself.] We ran into a Canadian scalper, who had twelfth row seats �right in the middle�. Mare took a pair for $80, and I asked if he knew where our seats were, numbers 23 and 24. Oh, right in the middle since there are fifty seats across. [That�s got to be near the catwalk, right? And still I forgot about the lipstick.]

Mare: I had the ticket �mojo� working for me briefly which began earlier in the week in San Jose. The day before the Seattle concert I thought why not see if the mojo is still working. Just on a whim got on Ticketmaster at 2 p.m. that day and scored the two 5th row tickets that led to Pam�s evening of ecstasy.

Sheri: I was so grateful to Mare for finding that scalper and his 12th row tickets. I had been trying to upgrade for 2 days and was totally depressed about being stuck in row 23. Row 23 was just not going to cut it after being at Clay�s feet 2 nights before in San Jose (at the concert, gurrls, at the concert). After the Beu Sisters, sweet and beautiful Heather came to me from her seats at the end of the catwalk and said the 2 seats next to her were not being used. OMG, at the end of the catwalk AGAIN! I couldn�t believe my luck. Unfortunately 2 women showed up for those seats after Perfect Day. Back to row 12. Oh well, it was a thrill to be so close again for those 2 songs.

pam: Yes, we all got a little lucky that night. He came right down Sharon�s aisle for his Kyrie entrance! But I scooped some mojo out of Mare�s backpack when she wasn�t looking and was able to score the closest encounter of the night during the WYSYLM foreplay.

Cell-certus Interruptus

pam: So, up go the houselights. The schtick is starting. I quickly re-dialed Elizabeth. I didn�t think to make a sign, but oh goodness, I think her name is Lynn (when you put a board name, a screen name, and a real name on your tag, who�s really to blame when I forget the details?), she�s from BC, and we first met her in Tacoma. She had a cute arrow asking Clay to head north to Canada. He noticed that and then asked who was from Canada? Screams. Anyone from Alberta? A few screams. How about British Columbia? Many more screams, including a shrill one emanating from about six feet behind him. So he made a face and turned around to where I was standing. Lynn pointed her arrow toward me as the culprit, and he looked straight at me and said, �What are you doing talking on the phone? I�m trying to give a concert and you�re talking on the phone?�

Now maybe technically time didn�t stand still, but my brain did. And so did my heart, my feet, and my mouth. I figure he has to be talking to someone else, although no one else around me has a phone. Mare is whispering in my ear, �He�s talking to you!� I know this. He�s looking right at me. I finally screamed back, �I�m spreading the love!� Twice. Of course he couldn�t hear me over the crowd, but he did demand, �Gimme that phone!� Ooh, Bossy!Fedora!Clay! Is it any wonder that my feet were still somehow immobilized, even as his arm stretched out toward me? Mare finally pushed me forward and I handed my phone right to him. Well, right over the hand of the woman who tried to force her phone into Clay�s hand ahead of mine. But he knew whose phone he wanted. And you know if Clay wants it, Clay gets it. And so I touched his hand. And I don�t know if it was me or him, but yes, the combination of Clay and pam is indeed clam. Soft, warm, clammy hands. Just a slight sweat, really, a result of manhandling the mic. I swear I could still feel where his hand touched mine several hours later. Clam is good.

See how hard he had to work to get my phone? But I�m sure the women on the other side didn�t mind the view.

Mare: Ok, I didn�t �whisper� in Pam�s ear. I screamed at the woman! �Pam! He wants YOUR phone! Go!� That didn�t work. I could not understand what the problem was. Those two women in our aisle who were between Pam and the catwalk? We had warned them earlier we would climb over them if necessary. I�m sorry, but the Clayton is demanding HER phone! I was not going to let her have that moment slip away. Pushing may be putting it lightly, but whatever it was I did, the phone ended up in HIS hands and I let out a satisfied scream. Then I realize there is Pam on the JUMBOTRON with her face resting in her hands looking about as swoony and fangurrrly as you could imagine. Priceless!

Yo! Pink Shirt! He still doesn�t want your phone. Get over it!

pam: Well, we all know what happened next. Elizabeth didn�t say �hello�. But Clay shushed into my phone, and he tried to get a response. He asked me if anyone was on the line, and again, I screamed her name three times, but he couldn�t hear me. �I think she passed out.� Laughs from the audience. And then he handed my phone back and took someone else�s. Slut.

Now, maybe I�m just humoring myself, and by agreeing with me, Mare is probably just enabling my delusion. [You do agree with me, dontcha, Mare?] But Clay looked straight at me several times during the remainder of his set. Maybe it�s because we made a deep spiritual connection, or maybe it was because I was hard not to notice. I was bopping around pretty good with my fresh eighties moves up until our DNA exchange, but I really let loose afterward. At any rate, I displayed uninhibited joyful exuberance, and it was very embarrassing to the Non-BIT. But Clay liked it, and isn�t that what really counts on her birthday?

Mare: Hmm. Pam�s crown of delusion is on pretty tight; however, Clayton DID make eye contact at least once, maybe twice. But then I also thought he gave me the briefest of glances, so I may not be a reliable source. On the other hand, he could have been captivated by Pam�s command of 80�s dance moves.

Sheri: After Clay�s set my former non- BIT (now turning into a BIT!) said to me, with a funny grin on her face, �Mom, Clay looked good in that hat.� (GAH! Does he ever! I kept my composure, though. She must be broken in gently.) She even said she really liked his live singing, that she thought it was better than the CD. Yay! I think she�s finally getting it! Too bad Clay didn�t see her sign that said, �Clay�My Dad wants my Mom back�. I think if he had looked at her with those eyes, she�d have been a goner like her mother.

Part II � Inland Northwest BEVR

Roadtrip!

pam: [Quick announcement: My non-BIT will hereafter be referred to as Just-a-little-BIT. She finally agrees about his talent, but is still not convinced he�s the most beautiful man on the planet.] It�s Friday so that means Roadtrip! After little sleep and a lot of breakfast, we checked out of the hotel, and I navigated us right onto the freeway and to Sharon�s house in about three minutes (compare to previous day�s experience and try to figure out who said I really shouldn�t take the freeway this time of day � ha!). Then off to Sheri�s we go. Now we�re heading back to my old stomping grounds, so again we get there early (yes, a pattern is developing). We transfer all our stuff into Sheri�s SUV, and stock up on an unhealthy assortment of Clack and snacks. Blue skies, comfy seats, and a portable DVD player � what more could you ask for?

Sheri: We posed for pre-road trip pictures which Mr. Sheri kindly took of us.

Sheri, Sharon, Pam, Mare and pam�s Just-a-little-BIT

Then he wrote �Claymates Aboard� in the dust on the back window which I�ll forgive him for. It was really sweet of him. He doesn�t know the term �Lecherous Broads� since I�ve only called us �The Broads� to him. We hit the road, overdosing on Clack. We watched all of Tony�s wonderful AI2 DVD�s, listened to MOAM, BOTW, Solitaire, and my �Early Clay Songs� CD. At one point a car pulled up along side of us, the women inside waving and honking. They had seen the �Claymates Aboard� sign. I held up the MOAM poster and we waved back, laughing hysterically. A few times during the drive, I glanced at my speedometer and noticed the needle approaching 90 mph! We were Broads on a mission. We made the 5 hour trip in just over 4 hours!

Spokane! The Inland Empire! All hail the king and his broads in waiting, and waiting, and waiting�.

We found our hotel and saw the Spokane Arena just blocks away. It was 2:30pm. Soundcheck time! We drove around to the back of the arena and saw the busses in the parking lot behind the back gate. We screamed! Pam�s poor Just-a-little-BIT, who had been asleep in the back, had a rude awakening. We drove up to the gate. It was wide open! OMG, could we just drive right in? But a security guard appeared. I rolled down my window and said, �I bet you haven�t had too many women coming to this gate today, have you?� He laughed and said, �Oh, a few.� We chatted him up a bit, hoping for some magical passes to be handed to us because we were so ding dang charming. No Luck. We backed up and drove to a vantage point that looks down onto the back lot from an upper lot. We stayed there almost an hour watching the busses with binoculars, thinking just maybe Clay might need to return to his bus for something. Some other Clay fans drove up and we had fun talking Clay and sharing our concert experiences. Then a blonde woman and little Jerome came out with Raleigh on a leash. From our perch above the parking lot we called out, �Hi Raleigh!� That adorable pup looked up at us and wagged her tail! I know she did, here�s a picture:

We should�ve stayed at that security gate. Maybe Raleigh would have given us backstage passes!

Back to the Arena

pam: I must say that the �It�s All Clay Aiken�s Fault� t-shirts do cause a lot of comments and questions from others. Certainly not every Clay fan has what it takes to be a broad, but isn�t it amazing how universally friendly the ClayNation is? If you spot someone with a Clay shirt or button, just walk up and start chatting. Then chat some more. We met lots of familiar faces from Seattle, and new ones from Clayboards that I have never heard of. And did you know that many of Clay�s fans have never googled him at all? Did you know that others go to chatboards but never download video Clack? Several people seemed to have heard of the infamous DC WDC and wondered if we had actually seen it. (if I said �continual loop�, would they know what that meant?) And Mare, what did you mean when you said we were living on �the Dark Side� of the Clay world? We certainly seem to have the best view.

While we were waiting in line, we ran into a young physically-disabled woman who seemed to have been abandoned by her friends (I hope they�ve been stripped of their ClayNation citizenship). She was in some distress, so Sheri and I stayed in line while Mare and Sharon assisted her to the entrance. While there, they found out that cameras were strictly forbidden. Sharon said, �just stick your camera in your bra� and promptly did just that. I looked at her, my 35mm camera, and my chest and said, �you�ve got to be kidding�. I tried anyway just for the fun of it, then frantically tried to fit it into some sort of pocket. Sheri had two cameras, managed to stash one, then ran the other back to her car. Turns out the Spokane Arena just talks a big game, or strict security is hyperbole for tearing tickets.

We made our way to the floor (except Sharon, who had a separate seat, since only four could be purchased in the pre-sale, but she managed to upgrade to the stands right next to us). Some CHers were sitting behind us, and at one point, Jerome came up to Agape and handed her 6 backstage passes! And I didn�t even try to take them. I did, however, quickly grab a letter out of my bag and hand it to Jerome. He gave me the �ok� signal, and put it in his jacket pocket. I don�t really know what he did with it after that, but I do know that he never did come back and hand me any backstage passes.

Sheri: I missed Jerome coming by as I had gone up to row one to ask a young woman to throw some boxers for me. They had red chili peppers on them and �Fiery Hot� stitched around the waistband. I had practiced throwing in the hotel room and thought I had a pretty good throw but when we got to our seats I figured with the barrier, I wouldn�t make it. She said she�d do it! OK, the boxers taken care of, now I had to get my gift to Clay backstage. I saw Jerome standing nearby and ran up to him and asked if he�d take my gift backstage. He said he would! Thank you, Jerome! If you see any pictures of Clay wearing maroon and beige, plaid jammy pants � they�re from me! I also enclosed a card, a check to BAF and a dog toy. I know, I know, probably overkill, but hey, it was my last concert.

Stubble and a Broken Foot

pam: Eighth row aisle seats seemed so fabulous just days before, but after we�ve all been within spitting distance of the Aiken, it just seemed so far away from the stage. Of course the aisle has definite possibilities. Sheri and Mare are concert veterans, and doesn�t he usually make his Kyrie entrance down the left aisle?

Why YES! And indeed, he does make his entrance down our aisle! [How many broads have said don�t worry about taking pictures, just enjoy the man, and I still didn�t listen?] He�s quickly making his way down the aisle, and I can�t get him into focus, so I finally put my camera away about two seconds before Clay walked a foot and half in front of me. [I think I got a little whisker burn.] Now, I know I had the aisle seat, and next to me was Just-a-little-BIT, then Mare, then Sheri. So Mare, how do you explain what happened next?

Mare: Oooh, I�m embarrassed by this one. I may need to arrange a therapy session with KIM in CA as I think she can understand how I felt. This was my 5th and last concert. Concert #1 in D.C. Sheri and I had the good fortune to have him stop at the end of our aisle for Kyrie. I was touching distance but the security guard intimidated me. When I realized Clay was coming down our aisle again and it was my last concert, all I could think was that I must touch him. I really must touch him. I now know what temporary insanity must feel like because I have no recollection of moving from my seat three seats in, out into the aisle past whatever security was on that side. I do know that I reached up and touched Clay�s shoulder. I ran my hand from the top of his shoulder about halfway down his arm. I truly do feel bad because I feel like I invaded his personal space. Please forgive me, broads! It won�t happen again. (Now that I�ve felt the fugly jacket all I can say is, that body is way too good to be dressed in synthetic fabrics.)

Sheri: I still haven�t learned my lesson about not taking pictures. This is the one I got of his entrance down our aisle.

Only got the Aiken back. Dang, he moves fast! In fiddling with my camera I missed Mare�s grope. Sorry, Mare. I know that term probably bothers you but lots of us gurrls would love to have touched those beautiful, broad shoulders. Don�t feel bad, I�m sure he expects it in this situation. I�m only envious.

pam: Clay was in a great mood as he introduced Perfect Day. He apparently didn�t realize that half the audience followed him from Seattle as he dissed that fine city and said he preferred Spokane. But he said it wasn�t really Seattle�s fault; he just had bad luck on all three of his visits. First the allergic reaction, then a huge delay at the airport, and last night, everything was going fine until he ran into something backstage and probably broke his foot. He said he was fine, but we might notice a little limp. Thankfully, he saw no need to cancel his next three concerts due to a lower extremity injury (don�t even think about it). And thankfully, he was just too tired to shave.

Now, I got the feeling that maybe some pain pills added to Clay�s obvious good spirits because he just kept on chatting. He said that although North Carolina is the most beautiful part of the country, Spokane could give it a run for its money. He mentioned several of Spokane�s natural scenic attractions, and then informed the audience that Spokane is in what�s called the �Inland Northwest�. Oh, Teacher!Clay! imparting his hours� worth of wisdom and experience to people who actually live there. It was absolutely precious. And his singing voice was utter perfection, even better than the night before, when it was simply awe-inspiring.

Clay�s pre-WYSYLM banter was also chattier than usual. He continued his geography lesson as he asked who had come from several nearby states. And yes, Clay, you did pronounce �Oregon� correctly the first time, but it was nice to hear you say it five times (for anyone wondering, it�s Oregin, not Oregon). He recognized Bob and Linda from California who were at their 26th concert. Sheri held up a bright orange sign that said, �A lecherous broad refused your call last night, please try again.� He obviously saw it, read it, raised his eyebrows, but didn�t comment.

Red Hot Chili Peppers

Sheri: My heart was leaping out of my chest when he read my sign. His gaze was so intense I could feel my knees buckling. I actually had to break the gaze. I turned to Mare and said, �He�s reading our sign!� Then the moment was gone� During WYSYLM, the young woman I had employed earlier threw my boxers on stage. Unfortunately, she did it when he was on the other side of the stage. They lay there for awhile, but he picked them up before the acoustic set, held them up and said, �Thanks for the underwear!� I screamed.

Stalking the Bus

pam: I�d like to say that spending an hour waiting for the tour buses paid off big-time, and that my weekend with Clayton was positively glorious. But alas, no Clay contact. We did, however, spend time with Danny, the guitarist, unofficial tour videographer, and all-around charmer. We spoke on camera for several minutes, so hopefully Clay really will see how much his broads love him. Sheri mentioned her underwear, or rather the underwear she threw on stage, and Danny said, �oh, with the chili peppers? Those were cool!� [oh man, you don�t suppose Clay gave them to Danny�?]

Sheri: No pam, I prefer to think Clay is wearing them right now. I touched them and now they are enveloping his buttercup bottom and of course Waldo! Tee Hee. Here�s us with Danny:

We really were very entertaining to him, not putting him to sleep like this picture seems to show!

Kissing Clay in the Hotel Lobby
Mare: Ok, that would be me again. You would think for how remorseful I was after my uninvited touching of Clay during Kyrie that I would be the last person to kiss him in the hotel lobby in front of all the broads and other Clay fans gathered there. It started off innocently enough. I started to unfurl my beautiful Clay concert poster for all to see and told the crowd I would reveal him slowly so as not to give anyone a heart attack. First comes the stripey shirt, then that chin with just a trace of stubble. When I got to the lips, well what can I say? I am a broad after all.

Back to RL

Leaving Spokane. Notice the �Claymates Aboard� on the window.

pam: Saturday morning and time to head back west. The drive didn�t seem too long as we Clacked our brains out, but the adrenaline rush was over. We did manage one last spectacular group giggle fit. You really had to be there, but at some point, I asked how Clay, Rickey and Ruben were singled out to sing WTWNN as the B-side of the group single. Sheri had no idea such a beast even existed. I had been hooked up only a week earlier, after begging on the PPs. Sheri and Mare both remembered my follow-up comment �man, dudes, quit pinching Rickey when he�s trying to sing.� Mare knew what I meant by that and started giggling. I joined in. Sharon said, �well, I gave you that single at my house � where is it?� Just-a-little-BIT found it, so we popped it in. Mare and I could not contain our giggling or snarky comments, and we could barely appreciate the beauty of lower register Clay. Well suffice it to say, Sheri quickly understood the pinching reference and joined our gigglefest. Sharon just shook her head at the three of us [this is not because she�s mature and refined, believe me]. And we just kept listening and giggling, until finally switching to BOTW/TITN to calm ourselves.

Mare: I�m sorry, but we�re listening to this beautiful love song and melting over the way Clay sings the word �climb� and then this unbearable screeching begins. Pam, Sheri and I could not stop giggling. Sheri was actually doubled over the steering wheel trying to contain herself. And I believe Sharon�s comment was �I will never again be able to listen to that song in the same way.�

pam: Saying goodbye to such good friends is almost harder than saying goodbye to Clay. Especially as we don�t know when he will head back to our neck of the woods to bring us together again. We had hopes the Seattle curse had been broken, but now we don�t know if he�ll ever come back. He may wind up needing an organ transplant (again, don�t even think about it). Of course, he really seemed to like Spokane, so I hope that wasn�t just the pills talking. At any rate, we did what we had to do and said our goodbyes. And I ignored Mare�s and Sharon�s insistence that I turn right instead of left, and somehow managed to drive straight from Sheri�s house to Sharon�s without their further assistance. (And with that last little comment, I suppose I�d better stop and let Mare and Sheri get in the last word. And I love you too.)

Mare: Not only are these broads wonderful, Pam�s Just-a-Little BIT was the BEST sport about the entire experience. And Sheri�s non-BIT who we got to meet briefly for the Seattle concert is as sweet as her mom. I shouldn�t be surprised that such great broads would have great kids!

Sheri: What a great road trip! Broads, laughing, clacking, and Clay. Nothing better! Thanks Mare, Sharon, pam and Just-a-little-BIT. We must do him again.

Thanks to AprilJoy and elfe350 for capturing pam�s moment, and to Sheri, Mr. Sheri, and Just-a-little-Bit for capturing Clay, Raleigh, and the broads.

Posted by: Wendy in FL