Lecherous Broads For Clay Aiken!
Lecherous Broads for Clay Aiken!


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2006-08-22
12:45 p.m.

Attack of the Summer Blockbusters!

Ever wonder what Clay's been doing the past 8 months? Sure, he was finishing up ATDW, but we know he likes to keep busy and a CD alone wouldn't be enough. This is the man who wrote a book and recorded a Christmas CD while on tour, remember?

Well, the LBFCA Detective Agency has been at it again, and we've discovered the truth behind The Lost Months.

While working on his album, Clay Aiken was also attempting to jumpstart his movie career. Yes, following in the footsteps of other great singer/thespians such as Frank Sinatra and Britney Spears, our favorite redhead auditioned for several films, including many of this summer's blockbusters. He came very close in some cases. If just one of these auditions had turned out differently, it would have been a very hot July indeed.

Alas, it was not meant to be. There was always something. Get yourself some popcorn and take a look.


M:I:3

Director: That's great, Clay! Now let's do the scene where you leap off the top of the skyscraper.

Clay: Where I what?

Asst. to the Director: Mr. Abrams! Tom is on the line! He wants to come back.

Director: Has he agreed to my terms?

Asst. to the Director: Yes. He's given up creative control, he promises not to talk about Katie, and he's agreed to not do any press on his own.

Director: And?

Asst. to the Director: And he says he'll replace the couch in your office.

Director: Great. Clay, thanks but we won't be needing you any longer. You don't need to bungee jump off that building now. Clay? Where's Clay?

Clay: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!


Pirates of the Caribean II: Dead Men's Chest

Orlando: You look great in that costume, Clay. No one's going to even miss Johnny. *mumbles* Especially me.

Clay: Thanks, Orlando! By the way, why isn't Johnny doing this sequel? He was great in the first movie.

Orlando: *grumble* Yeah, great. *grumble* He didn't want to do the stunts.

Clay: Stunts? Like bungee jumping? I did that on the last movie I was on! And at that amusement park in Buffalo! Bring it on!

Orlando: There's some jumping, but I think what he didn't like was all the underwater stunts.

Clay: *gulp* Did you say under...underwater?

Orlando: It is a pirate movie.

Clay: Um, I think there are some milk bottles in my fridge I need to straighten out. See ya, Orlando!


The Devil Wears Prada

Director: Thanks for stopping by, Clay, but we've already decided to go with Meryl Streep.

Clay: Why?

Director: Well, for one thing, the part is for a woman and Meryl is a woman.

Clay: That's not really acting, then, is it?

Director: It's just that we don't think you're quite right for the part, Clay.

Clay: Not right? This movie is about fashion, isn't it? Is there anyone more fashionable than moi? *twirls* And did you see what is written on my glasses? Read 'em, baby. That's right. P-R-A-D-A! Pra.Da! *snort* Not quite right. Ha!

Anne Hathaway: He is kind of cute...

Director: Security!


Step Up

Director: Okay, Clay. Let's try this. Remember, your character is a hip-hop dancer. Let's see what you can do.

Director: I thought this guy won So You Think You Can Dance! What do you mean, "no, that was the other geek"?


Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties

Director: Clay!

Clay: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Director: Clay! It's not real! It's only an animation!!!!!

Clay: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!


The Da Vinci Code

Clay: You know, if you really want to decipher this code, we should get my fans. They'll have it figured out in no time flat.


X-Men III: The Last Stand

Clay: I don't know about this.

Director: You'll be great, Clay! And look at all the great actors you'll get to work with.

Clay: I know. But this costume...

Director: What's wrong? It looks fantastic.

Clay: But I've spent three years telling my fans I'm no angel. If they see me in this...

Clay: Do I at least get a halo?


Superman Returns

Director: Clay, can we talk?

Clay: Sure. What's up?

Director: I know you're very particular about costumes. I even heard that that's why you didn't do X-Men.

Clay: Did you see those angel wings?

Director: Yes. But these aren't angel wings. Your fans won't get all excited about seeing angel wings with this costume.

Clay: I know. But it's so, um, revealing. They might get excited about seeing *blushes* something else.

Director: I understand. But this isn't negotiable. It's Superman. He has to wear the suit.

Clay: My costume is still a Superman suit. See, I look just like Superman.

Director: Sorry. No.

Clay: That's okay. But I like the title. Superman Returns. Hmmm, maybe that's what I should have called my new CD.


The Lake House

Sandra Bullock: I can't believe we're finally together...

Clay: Um, you guys know this script doesn't make any sense, right?

Director: Cut!!! Clay, just read the lines!

Clay: But they're stupid! How does the dog travel back and forth in time? And why doesn't she just Google him? It's 2006 for goodness sake. And how did that tree grow so fast in only two years? And why is it only two years?

Director: Clay, you're getting a reputation around Hollywood for being difficult. If you don't like the script, we can get someone else.

Clay: Yeah? Who would be dumb enough to play this part?

Director: Celeste! Call Keanu!


Snakes on a Plane

Director: Action!

Clay: I have HAD it with these ding-dang snakes on this ding-dang plane!

Director: Cut!!! For the hundredth time, Clay, no ad libbing!

Clay: Don't you think my version is better? I think it adds a nice down-home touch.

Director: No, Clay. You're a hardboiled FBI agent. Read the line as is.

Clay: I'm sorry. I can't say those words. This is a family movie.

Director: No it's not, Clay. It's a movie about snakes. On a plane. Say the line or I'll have to get someone else.

Clay: Okay, okay. Thanks anyway. I guess I'll go back to singing. Or maybe I'll give it one more shot. Anyone know when the auditions for Little Man are?

Director: Earl, get me that ding dang Samuel L. Jackson.


written and photoshopped by Katynka

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