2004-04-17
9:08 a.m.

BEVR: Katynka/Melissa, Vegas, 3/27/04

Introductory note by Katynka: A week or so before the concert, I noticed that there were new seats opening up on the UNLV ticket site. Since I had been compulsively buying tickets for months, I could not resist the urge to buy more and bought new seats for Melissa and me. They weren't great floor seats like Wendy, Erin, Lila, and Dr. in NC had, or right up against the catwalk like the ones I had in Columbus, but they seemed like decent seats on the side.

I won't bore you with a repetition of the day's activities--discovering where to dispose of our needles at the Ho, engaging in a smoked-salmon eating contest with Wendy at the Bellagio, getting scolded by the docents in the Liberace museum, getting turned on by the Clig--because these stories have been recounted more ably in other Vegas BEVRs. This is the story of the concert itself, transcribed from actual tape recordings (well, not really, but it's all true. I'm sure of it. Almost.)

After sitting in the parking lustily singing Clay songs with Danielle, Kelly, and Leah for about half an hour, Katynka and Melissa enter the Thomas & Mack and head to their seats.

Kat: Holy S--t! These are great seats! I didn't realize they'd be so close! Look, he's going to be RIGHT THERE!

Melissa: I think I may throw up.

Canadian Woman Sitting in Front of Melissa: Please don't. (Canadians are so polite.)

Kat: OMG, I'm so happy we got these tickets. Look, we're right on the same level as he. We'll be able to see perfectly. Oh, and look, there are Lila, Wendy, Erin, and Doc! And Danielle, Jan, Kelly, and Leah! And I can see Nelle and Robin and Lisa! There's Kinri and Kati! This is so great. And look, we can see down on the side of the stage. There's Roger. And Dean. I hope Dean made his hair look good tonight.

Melissa: (hyperventilating)

Fast forward through the Beu Sisters and Kelly. Not much happening here. Katynka was trying to adjust her camera and Melissa was just staring ahead unblinkingly and occasionally covering her mouth with her hand. Canadian woman was looking worried.

Intermission

Kat: He's up next!

Melissa: (whimpers)

Kat: Did you see all the security checking out this aisle while Kelly was singing? I think he's going to enter here, right in front of us!

Melissa: (moans)

Kat: Look, there's Diane Kilbridge and Dave! They made it! Yay!

Katynka and Melissa go down to hug Killer D.

Kat: Erin and Wendy are waving at us. Wave back Melissa.

Melissa: (waves feebly)

Lights go down.

Kat: OMG, this is it! He's coming!

Melissa: (slight heaving noise)

Canadian Woman Sitting in Front of Melissa: (whispers to Canadian friend while arranging poncho across her back)

Kat: KYRIE!!!! OMG, here he comes! He's coming right in front of us! OMG! Look at the hair! It's sticking straight up! Ugly outfit again! OMG, HE'S COMING!

Melissa: (strangled gasp)

Kat: Dang, I took the picture a little too late. I just got the back of Jerome's head.

Kat: OMG, look how he just hoisted himself up on the stage in one motion. He's sitting right there Melissa!

Melissa: (strained breathing)

Clay: Let's see who's here tonight. Ah heard there would be two hot Broads in section 118. Let's see�.HELLO!!!!! There they are!

Kat: OMG!

Melissa: (squeaking noises)

Clay: Hey, Ah think Ah remember them from Atlanta when Ah told my driver to give mah Broads a blow. In fact, Ah think the little one is wearing the same sewer-water splashed pants.

Some general swooning and screaming as Clay takes stage and sings final chorus of Kyrie.

Kat: Perfect Day! I love this song! Melissa, I think he's coming over this way.

Clay: Ah want to check out those two Broads again. Hey ladies! How YOU doin'?

Kat: OMG. Right�at�us.

Melissa: (gurgling)

Clay: Now that Ah've gazed into their eyes, which they seemed to like, Ah should show them a little a**. They seem really excited about my bum, though Ah just don't get it sometimes. But the blonde one in particular seems to like it a lot. In fact, Ah think she's the one who put donuts on mah butt and took that picture of mah a** that's been all over the internet.

Kat: Per.Fect.Day.

Melissa: (cries)

Kat: We have to pull ourselves together. We can do it. Look, Lila's getting ready to toss Sparkly Vest. Did she make it? Yes! Put it on, Clay! Sing "Still the One"!

Melissa: (automatically begins singing in a lurching, zombie-like manner) "Still the one�"

Clay: Ooh, a Sparkly Vest. Ah love Sparkly Vests! But they told me not to pick up anything on stage. Dang. Cause Ah really love me a Sparkly Vest. That's okay. Ah can wear it on the bus. No matter what Kelly says. Maybe Ah should add "Still the One" to my next tour.

Kat: He's not picking Sparkly Vest up! Clay, PLEASE! Aw, poor Sparkly Vest is lying there on the floor. Oh, he's looking at us again! Yea! OMG, so HOT! Sparkly Vest who?

Melissa: "scratch�eetch�"

Kat: The stage hand just took Sparkly Vest backstage. Bye, Sparkly Vest! Have a good time!

Clay: Mah two hot Broads seem upset about something. What's wrong, gurrrls? You know Ah love you! Ah could never live without yooooouuuuu.

Clay: They still seem sad. They're just staring right at me like they're in a fugue state or something. Ah think Ah need to show them mah a** again. Ah'll just stand here like this the whole time Quiana is singing. That will cheer them up.

Kat: (wipes drool)

Melissa: (doesn't bother wiping drool)

Clay: Ah love singing "Invisible." It makes me happy. And those two hot Broads make me happy, too.

Clay: Ah think Ah'll do some fancy dance steps for them. Wait till they see this move.

Kat: Guh.

Melissa: (growls)

Clay: Hmmm, they're still not moving or smiling or nothing. Ah hope they didn't have a psychotic break. Hey gurrls, let me flip up mah jacket and show you a little Krispy Kreme. Mmm? You likey?

Kat: (screams)

Clay: Ah guess "Invisible" was too much for them. It's good that Ah'm doing a slower song now. "Ah Survived You" should have a calming effect. Especially since they're now looking up at the jum-bo-tron instead of directly at me. What harm could looking at mah eyes on a jum-bo-tron do?

Editor's note: We apologize that there is no photographic evidence of Clay on the jumbotron during ISY. For some reason, Katynka was unable to control her camera. Or any of her normal bodily functions. We now resume our regularly scheduled story.

Clay: Oh, mah goodness. Ah think Ah killed them

Kat: Must.get.it.together. Come on, Melissa. We can do this.

Melissa: (whimpers)

Clay: Good, they're moving again. At least the tall one is. The acoustic set will be nice and comforting.

Kat: Brace yourself, Melissa. You know what happened in D.C.

Clay: "If one day you discover him�"

Melissa: (sobbing)

Clay: "When we walk through fields of gold�"

Melissa: (more sobbing)

Wendy, from her seat in F2: OMG, Melissa's sobbing.

Erin, from her seat next to Wendy: Aww, Melissa's sobbing.

Nelle, from her seat in F6: Oh dear, Melissa's sobbing.

Robin, from her seat next to Nelle: My Missy's sobbing.

Danielle, from her seat in F5: Look, Melissa's sobbing.

Kelly, from her seat next to Danielle: Dude, Melissa's sobbing.

Clay: "When Ah need love�"

Melissa: (wailing, moaning, keening, uncontrollable hysterical sobbing)

Note from Katynka: Apologies for the lack of pictures from the acoustic set. I was not able to hold a camera and comfort Melissa at the same time. Luckily I have good pictures from my Columbus concert.

Clay: "In mah mind Ah'm goin' to Carolina�"

Melissa: (really no words to describe the noises Melissa was making at this point)

Clay: "Howwwww�"

Kat: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG

Melissa: (high-pitched screams beyond human hearing)

Kat: Melissa, he's grinding right there in front of us. Right.there.

Melissa: (collapses on floor)

Clay: The ladies all seem to really like this song. And Ah bet mah Broads would really love it if Ah gave them just the right angle. Here, let me move around like this.

Wendy, from her seat in F2: OMG, he's showing Kat his a**.

Erin, from her seat next to Wendy: Aww, he's showing Kat his a**.

Nelle, from her seat in F6: Oh dear, he's showing Kat his a**.

Robin, from her seat next to Nelle: My Clay's showing Kat his a**.

Danielle, from her seat in F5: Look, he's showing Kat his a**.

Kelly, from her seat next to Danielle: Dude, he's showing Kat his a**.

Kat: OMG. He's showing me his a**! AHHH! I can't focus!

Clay: Ah'm not sure if she got a good picture. Ah'll just keep doing it. Maybe if Ah stand where the spotlight shines directly on mah a** that will help her get a better shot.

Kat: OMGOMGOMG. Look at it! Look at it! He's shaking his a** right in front of me! NEED better picture! OMG.

Clay: Ooh, Ah like this. And she likes it too. Ah can hear her squealing from here. Let me give her the money shot--spotlight on a**, hip thrust out, profile�yea, that's it, she'll like that one.

Kat: Got it! (dies)

Several minutes later�

Kat: Melissa, there's another song. We must get up. (untangles self from pile on floor and helps up Melissa) All that's left is "The Way." We can handle that.

Melissa: (whimpers)

Clay: This song is a romantic song, and it's about the way Ah feel about all mah Broads. Ah'm going to sing it directly to these two Broads right here.

Clay: That's so sweet--they're crying. Maybe Ah'll go over and sit by them.

Clay: Ah can't put my fingers on why Ah love mah Broads so much.

Clay: But Ah sure want them tonight.

Clay: Ah'm sorry that this is the last song and Ah won't see mah two hot Broads anymore. Let me just turn, look into their eyes, and say good-bye to them.

Clay: Ah love you tonight!

Kat and Melissa: (newborn kitten mewling noises)

After the encore and after we watched Clay make his final exit through the backstage area we could see, the lights came up.

Kat: (stunned, exhausted, satisfied silence)

Melissa: (stunned, exhausted, satisfied silence)

Canadian Woman Sitting in Front of Melissa: Thank you for not vomiting on me.

The end.

Text by Katynka, wordless sobbing by Melissa

Pictures by Katynka

Endnote by Katynka: As I sat by Melissa at the Vegas concert, I was reminded of a post she wrote way back last July 5, that special weekend in Broad history, as the AI Tour was getting set to start. This post includes the paragraph that made me first fall in love with Melissa:

"This probably makes me sound totally out of my mind, but I have actually started practicing listening to him singing and pretending that I'm seeing him in concert, because I'm so worried that I'm going to be reduced to a sobbing, screaming puddle when he walks out on stage. It's still amazing to me that on the day before AI2 started, I was a professional, reasonably intelligent 30 year old, and now I'm practicing appropriate concert behavior and praying that I can catch ET on MTV."

Um, honey, apparently you didn't practice enough.