2005-02-01
9:27 p.m.

LOST

This week on....

"Where am Ah?"

"Oh mah. Apparently Ah survived the crash. Survived the burn."

He looks around some more. "Oh, that's right. Ahm supposed to be on vacation. All alone on a beautiful tropical island. Ah love mah fans, but it's nice to get away for a little while, to have time to think, to reflect on the bigger questions in life, to ponder the future. And to buy milk without anyone bothering me." Clay smiles at the thought.

Clay hears a loud, monstrous roar coming from the jungle.

"Oh, Lord and Taylor, what is that? Ah think mah fans found me." He waits, and the sound dies out.

Clay sees someone coming down the beach. "Good, there are other people here. Maybe she can help me find food."

"Hello. Do you know if there's a grocery store on this island? One that sells milk. The kind in the glass bottles?"

The woman answers in Korean...with no subtitles.

Clay asks again, louder and slower, "Milk? Bottles?" He makes hand motions as if lining up milk bottles in a refrigerator.

Just as her husband Jin walks into view, Sun squeals, "CLAAAY! CLAY AIKEN!!!! "

Jin is stares in astonishment at his wife.

Sun continues, jumping up and down and clapping with excitement, "I LISTEN TO ALL YOUR SONGS!!!!

Suddenly she realizes what she has done. Jin begins to yell at her in Korean. Clay tries to read their subtitles, but then gives up and sneaks off. Jin follows him, suspicious.

Clay wanders down the beach, wondering what kind of island this is. He sees a woman resting on an airplane seat. "Hello, ma'am. Ah was wondering if you could�."

"Clay! Clay! OMG, it's Clay!"

"Ma'am, you better take it easy. Ah notice you're, um, in a family way. You shouldn't jump up and down like that."

Claire continues to jump up and down. "Clay! It's you. I heard you sing in North Dakota! You were soooooo hot! By the end of the concert, I was dead. Dead, I say.. And pregnant. Dead and pregnant."

"Now ma'am, Ah did not get you with child. And you aren't dead." Clay looks around at the creepy island, and then whispers, "You're not dead...are you?"

Claire just keeps squealing, so Clay walks away. He mutters under his breath. "Fans. They're everywhere. Oh no, it looks like another one. Ah hope she doesn't scream. She doesn't seem like a screamer. She's just staring sadly out at the ocean."

He stands in front of her and pauses. "Ma'am. Ah know what you're thinking. Yes, Ah am Clay Aiken." He waits for the squeals. Kate just continues to stare sadly out at the ocean.

"Ma'am, did you hear me? Ahm Clay Ai-.... " He looks again at her sad blank stare. "Hmmm, must be a Justin Guarini fan. Anyway, could you direct me to the nearest grocery store? Ahm mighty hungry."

Kate stares sadly out at the ocean.

Suddenly, a voice behind them calls out, "Hey, Freckles."

Both Kate and Clay turn around.

Sawyer drawls, "Soooo Spike, you're looking for food, are you?"

Clay gets excited. "Yes. Ahm really hungry. But Ah have allergies, so it can't be chocolate or coffee or mint or mushrooms or shellfish or nuts that grow on trees."

"Well now, let's see what that leaves ... Grass, water, and fish...without the shells. I got those. Now, what's in it for me?"

"Huh?"

"Trade, barter ... payment ... what's my payment? Surely you don't think I'll just give you these things. Too much hair gel seepin' into your brain, boy?"

"Ah haven't got anything."

"Well why don't you go and find something ... and when you have it ... we'll talk."

Sawyer puts his sunglasses on and rests. Clay goes off looking for pukka shells he can make into a necklace to trade for food.

A small, hobbit like man comes up to him. "Claire tells me you're a famous musician."

"Ah don't know if Ah'd say famous...." Clay says, humbly.

"You know I'm a famous musician, too." He waits expectantly. "Driveshaft." Clay shakes his head. "Ah, man, you have to remember Driveshaft."

"Ahm sorry," Clay says politely, feeling sorry for the little man.

Charlie looks at Clay's ears. "You know, you remind me of some people I used to work with...." He goes off humming a Driveshaft tune..

Clay sits down next to a pretty young man and then hears the roar from the jungle. "What the heck is that?"

The pretty young man stares sadly and blankly into space and mutters, "It kills people."

"Is that why you are so sad?"

"No, I'm sad because you're prettier than I am."

"Yes Ah am. But Ahm also hungry. Do you know where Ah can get some food? Or something Ah can trade for food with that nasty Sawyer fellow?"

"Why don't you go hunt boar with Locke?"

"Boar? Isn't that like pig? Yumm! We can have a pig pickin'! We'll need some vinegar, though, to make barbecue sauce. Real Eastern North Carolina barbecue. The best kind. If you've only had that nasty Memphis barbecue, you're in for a real treat."

Drooling, Clay goes in search of Locke. Before long they are hiking through the jungle and Locke is getting Clay to bare his soul.

"Locke? Do you think I'll ever see my Broads again?" Clay asked as he tromped through the jungle, sweat beading on his forehead.

"Clay, what does your heart tell you? Can you visualize the Broads in your future?"

"Errrr. I don't know. I mean, I think about them A. LOT. You know what I mean?" If it were possible for a sunburned red-head to be blushing, Clay was.

"Yes, Clay, I know what you mean. And you're right, you won't go blind. For now you need to put them out of your mind and help me pretend to hunt boar all day so we can sit and stare at a hatch in the ground."

"Yessir." Clay was disappointed there wouldn't be any barbecue, but he followed Locke deeper into the jungle trying to concentrate on the task at hand. It was proving difficult.

"We're here," Locke said in that creepy whisper that Clay should have recognized as a cue for something weird to happen. Clay looked around him; he couldn't tell where here was.

"Where's the hat�ow!" Clay yelped as Locke clubbed him over the head with a branch. Clay collapsed to the ground.

When Clay awoke he was in a paradise. He was still on an island, but this one had no burning plane wreckage or invisible mind-monsters.

This one was filled with women. Broads, to be precise. Every last one of them. All in billowing purple gowns.

"How'd you ladies get here?" Clay asked in pleasant bewilderment.

"You called for us, and we came�" said Nelle.

"Boy, did we ever," said Wendy.

"Wow. I knew you were loyal and enthusiastic, but this sure is something."

"Hush now, it doesn't matter where we came from, as long as we came," said Kelly.

At that, the Broads converged on Clay and he was lost in a sea of purple.

When Clay awoke again, he was in a muddy hole about ten feet deep. His head hurt terribly and he was disoriented. Just then, Locke's head appeared at the edge of the hole.

"Clay, what did you see?" Locke asked, with a gleam in his eye.

"I saw my Broads, all in purple. They were all there. They surrounded me, and�"

"That's it, Clay? What did they say?"

"They said 'we came'"

With an exasperated look, Locke threw down a rope to Clay and said, "Congratulations, your vision quest was a sex dream."

****

Written by the Lost Broads: Katynka, Kelly, Wendy, Robin, Doc in NC, Melissa, Leah, Danielle, Lisa, and Erin

Photoshopped by Katynka

Disclaimer: Clay, we did NOT watch Lost on Dec 8. We watched A Clay Aiken Christmas. As you requested. We did. Cross our hearts and hope to die. We taped Lost.

Addendum: I've been told there is some disappointment that Clay did not stumble across Sayid on his journeys around the island. I apologize for not finding a way to fit Sayid's gorgeous intensity into the plot line of our little tale. As compensation, I've added some gratuitous Clayid for those who like lots of pretty:

ps: Clay, I know you love the spiked hair and it's central to your image and all, but it makes life very difficult for us photoshoppers. Maybe you could consider a nice smooth crew cut like Jack's? Or how about the Locke look? No? Okay.

~ Kat