2006-07-09
6:30 p.m.

CLAY'S YOUR UNCLE!

So what does the man who has everything get for his favorite "tiny little man?" Besides a college fund, I mean. Plus one of those handmade coupons for a lifetime of free tutoring anytime he's in North Carolina.

Let's listen in as Clay heads to South Carolina to bestow some thoughtfully selected gifts on one Chamberlin Malik Moore, gorgeous new son of Clay's amazingly talented backup vocalist, Quiana Parler.

Yes, I realize that gorgeous is a bit of an understatement, but give me a break. This is Clay land, where soon = possibly sometime this century but I'm not making any promises.

Psssst....this guy ain't too shabby either:

Ahem. Back to the gifts. You can never have enough of the basics, like

Baby wipes:

a teething ring:

and baby booties:

I hear those are what all the best-dressed angels will be wearing this fall, but since it's still the heat of summer, Clay provides Chamberlin with a simpler uniform:

Clay: This t-shirt is a second layer for special occasions, because even babies need to use their voices.

Quiana: Sounds like Uncle Clay's voice to me. And second layer? You mean for over his diaper?

Clay: No, I mean for over his undershirt. Here ya go. (hands her carton of plain white onesies)

Quiana: A whole carton, Clay?

Clay: Six whole cartons, one for every size available. We can't risk having him outgrow his undershirt and have to go out in public without one. Y'know, I kinda wished they made onesies in my size. Regular undershirts don't always offer proper coverage in the face of a good stiff breeze or an overly enthusiastic performance.

Quiana rolls her eyes.

Clay also knows the value of play time, as evidenced here:

and provides a few toys for Chamberlin as well:

Clay: I know he's still too young for the rocking horse, but I'm sure the bear wouldn't mind riding it for a little while to keep him company. (He places the bear on the horse) Whoa! Look at her go.

Quiana ignores Clay's little puppet show and continues to open gifts.

Quiana: Ooooh, maracas!

Clay: Those aren't maracas. They're ethnic rattles.

Quiana: You can't fool me, Clay; they're leftover maracas from the Jukebox Tour.

Clay: Wha? No, they're ethnic rattles. I'm pretty sure they're African.

Quiana: Maracas aren't African! If anything, they're Mexican!

Clay: Mexican, huh? I guess that's okay, as long as no one is making me eat them. I hope you don't mind that I don't exactly consider you an expert in all things Mexican. Or New Mexican. HAHA! That reminds me...open this gift next.

Quiana slaps him before she opens the gift.

Clay: Education is very important. It's like a layering of the mind, so don't be underestimating the value of either, Quiana. Chamberlin will need all kinds of mental and visual stimulation in his formative years. Look here:

Quiana: You know your website says that all ornaments and keychains are out of stock.

Clay: I have no idea what you're implying. Open the next gift.

Clay: We can't have your son walking around without knowing what time it is. Look! It even has an alarm, so he won't have any excuse for not doing his weekly chores.

Quiana: Can we give him a couple more weeks so he can at least hold his head up himself? That may even give you enough time to learn to spell his name, Mr. Teacher.

Clay: (smirking affectionately) Or you could! (He takes the final gift out of the pocket of his cargo shorts and hands it to her. She unwraps the sparkly paper.)

Quiana: More recycled props?

Clay: What? I may recycle my clothes, but I'll have you know I don't recycle my props OR my merchandise.

Quiana: Okay, Clay, settle down. It's a very pretty ornament. I'll be sure to put it on the tree for Baby's First Christmas. (She puts it among the piles of gifts she's already opened.)

Clay: It's not JUST an ornament, Quiana! LOOK at it again.

She does so and then waves her hands in front of her eyes to keep from crying.

Clay: It's a real key to my house, Quiana, for both you and Chamberlin. I know you've got your own place now, but I never want you to forget that you're welcome at my place anytime.

The friends share a heartfelt hug until Quiana puts her fingers in Clay's ear for old time's sake, then Clay speaks again:

Clay: Now wipe those boogers from your nose, coss I wanna get some pictures of the new mama and the man in her life. I'm pretty sure I said I'd put them up at my website sometime soon...whatever that means. And quit slapping me! That last one is going to leave a mark.

~ ~ ~

Based on an idea by amy e, written by pam.

Baby pics courtesy of amy e, photoshopping by amy and mr. amy.

Many thanks to Quiana Parler, to Permaswooned for capturing a moment at Wango Tango that somehow never gets old, to ljlovesclay for the ornament, to the clackgatherers at Kelly's Raleigh concert, and to all those who share clack.

Special Thanks to Clay Aiken for keeping us occupied in his own inimitable style. I'm glad he finally seems to have changed his watch battery. I've got a few that could use some recharging as well. *g*