2006-07-31
1:40 a.m.

Yoga with Clay

BREATHE FOR ME, HONEY!

As we near the end of July, I’ve noticed that many in Clay Nation have been a feeling a little on-edge, stressing about the lack of any kind of news, speculating about possible track lists and tour itineraries, madly deciphering what “soon�? really means (maybe it’s a Ugandan word?), trying to picture Clay talking with bangs covering half his face (will he touch them? will he blow at them?), and finally wondering whether we’ll still have the strength in our teeth to rip that CD cover off when it finally gets here. OMG! Will we all still have our original teeth?! What happened to our Hot July? (Hint: Go check your thermometer!)

So…as we work toward August with nary a promotional offering in sight, we may find ourselves hunched over the computer screen in the middle of the night, because that’s when Clay seems to blog most frequently, and then back on again early the next morning because those dang publicists have been known to issue press releases at 5 am. In between, we’re refreshing page after page, looking for leaks. Surely somebody somewhere has to know something! The result? Frustration. Not to mention a sore neck, sorer shoulders, and not enough caffeine in the world.

We may find ourselves snapping at our family members, coworkers, and pets, as they wonder about the stress they see in their loved ones. Hadn’t we actually been spending more time than ever with them lately? The early months of 2006 were filled with home-cooked meals, daily chores, long walks with the dog, and clean desktops and in-boxes. A few of us even picked up a new hobby or two. Admit it, you’ve been using those muscles you forgot you ever had!

Well. Let me be the first to say:

Screw those muscles! Before long you won’t need them anymore anyway, so forget that you ever remembered that you forgot you ever had them!

Nope, you’ll s**n be needing a completely different set of muscles, the same ones that got a great workout between 2003 and 2005, and which have now gone completely to heck. Goodness knows you can’t be expected to sit gape-jawed and squirming in front of your big-screen tv when Clay is singing on a late-night show, or to run the length of a bus-line in high-heeled shoes with your hand outstretched the whole time, or to enter some impromptu singing, dancing, or trivia competition that Clay decides to hold at some point in his concert set without proper preparation.

Yes, it’s time to relax and rejuvenate. Don’t worry; this isn’t Broad boot camp, because we know it’s best to ease into things wherever Clay is concerned (we’ll leave the hard stuff and heavy lifting to him). We’ve hired a world-class yoga instructor for the all-important job of getting the Broads ready to come again, whenever and wherever Clay tells us to.

*sigh* Isn’t he dreamy….?

I mean, um, doesn’t he look at peace with himself? But don’t be fooled. He’s highly trained and cunning, always ready to leap into action.

He’s also very bendy.

Clay: *Ahem* He’s also in charge of this class. Now settle down in back!

Clay: (under breath) God, I’ve missed mah Broads. (aloud) First, let’s review the basics. It’s important to wear comfortable clothes

and to always stay hydrated.

We’ll start with some work on the floor. Why don’t you all find yourselves a comfortable position?

Broads start to break out the twister mats when they notice their instructor at the front:

and immediately freeze in their tracks.

Clay: What’s wrong? Too advanced for you? Why don’t we start with a simple lotus position instead.

Now let’s all breathe deeply and begin by stretching our calves.

Good. That’s enough of that. Calves are so overrated. They only need enough strength to support the more important thigh muscles. So let’s lift ourselves up and do some squats

and thrusts.

That’s it. Feel the burn.

A few Broads dissolve into giggles, while others start to dissolve into puddles of goo, which is a very dangerous and possibly toxic state after such a long period of dormancy. Yogi Clay senses the urgency of the situation and claps his hands.

Clay: Okay, settle down. I need y’all to listen again. Eyes up here.

Now, you may know I like to march to my own drum. Most yoga masters like to keep things even, yin yang and whatnot, but I like to bend to the left more than I like to bend to the right. It just feels better; don’t ask me why. Ready to BTTL along with me?

Excellent! Now it’s time to get off the floor. Stand with your feet shoulder width apart.

The Broads imitate Clay and many topple over in the attempt.

Clay: Whoa there! I guess I should have specified that you should stand your own shoulder width apart, not my shoulder width apart. My shoulders are much broader than yours. Okay everybody, on the count of three, raise the roof:

Ha ha! I’m only kidding. I was just getting a little freaked out with all your zombie eyes staring back at me every time I said the word “shoulders.�? Whoops. My bad, pay attention everyone. Don’t make me go all teacher on your behinds.

Time to get our hips in gear. Let’s bend to the left,

bend to the right,

bend to the front,

and here comes the real hard part…

The Broads stand straight and begin to walk toward Clay en masse. A few begin to sashay as they fan themselves, while a few others begin dissolving to the wayside. Clay again seizes control with one stern look.

The Broads return to their previous positions and obediently await their next instruction.

Clay: *ahem* Now bend to the back.

The Broads all try to run behind Yogi Clay to get a clearer view. He spins around, and shuttles them back to their mats.

Clay: No no no! You’re not supposed to be checking out my backside….well, maybe for just a moment. (waits, then faces front again) Now, you need to get in position to check out your own backside, like I’m checking out my own backside. See?

Time for the big finish. Let’s all breathe in….

…and out. Again. In….

…and out. Ahhhh, that always feels so great, doesn’t it?

Just follow this simple routine any time you find yourself getting stressed out over the lack of news, photos, songs, or all those other things you’ve taken for granted over the past few years. If you do, you’ll all be in tip-top shape and flexible enough to see over or through the heads of any people standing in front of you at my next tour.

Based on an idea by amy e, written by pam (one more and we earn a nickname! perhaps the pamy eee!?)

Thanks to PermaSwooned for the Wango Tango pics, April Joy for the San Jose JNT pics, jazzy for the YMCA pic, and to all who cap, gather, and share Clack.

Posted by Erin