2004-06-21
8:52 a.m.

Dear Clabby: Letter #2

Advice to the Claylorn

Clabbigurl Van Murine
Sindicated Columnist

Dear Clabby,

I have developed a devastating disorder, and I'm begging for your help. I am seemingly only able to attend concerts in venues that begin with the letters "CL". I jumped at the chance to see him in Clio - not only once, but TWICE���multiples, ya know! Then, a mere 3 days later, I get another performance, this time in Cleveland.

But Clabby, it's a mystery to me how I managed to get a ticket to see him in Rhode Island. I don't remember booking the ticket. My friend, Karen Eh? assures me I asked her to buy that ticket for me, and that I even said "please"! I've got an email confirmation for accommodation and a car rental. And I contacted my old friends at Air Canada. I really thought I was calling the airline to make one of my daily "hihowareyaImissspeakingwithya" phone calls, but apparently, I booked a round trip ticket to Providence!

Recently, I've been tempted by locations like Syracuse, Albany and Portland, Maine. Why can't I talk myself into these tickets? This is just so out of character! Clabby, I just don't get it!! All of these venues are so CLOSE to me, well, relatively speaking��if my relatives were speaking to me. I've been spending a lot of time with my Randy McNally lately trying to figure out a solution. Even if I could find a "CL" city within a 50 mile radius of a current concert venue, I think I could do that... but there isn't even one! I think I know the answer... two words: World Tour. Now, that would open up a world of CL concert possibilities!

Clabby, did you know that there are more than 40 towns called "Claywell" spread out all over the U.S.? Well, there are 40 concerts I could go to right there!

Other U.S. Possibilities Include:

Alabama: Clayhill, Clayhatchee, Clackville and Claymont

Kentucky: Clabber Bottom

Mississippi: Clack

Tennessee: Claylick

Ohio: Claylick

Pennsylvania: Claylick

Illinois: Claypool, Clay's Prairie

Oregon: Clackamas

Utah: Clays Ranchettes

I keep losing count at Claylick, but if I count the 40 Claywells; I think we're already up to 53 concerts. You'd think that should be enough.... But it wouldn't be a true world tour if it stopped there now, would it? Clay would continue his world tour, and stand tall and proud in Claypole, Argentina. From there, we'll travel across the pond, and we'll gladly fork over masses of Euros to watch him perform.

UK Concerts: Clachan, Claygate

Belgium Concerts: Clabecq, Clachoire

France Concerts: Clachaloze, Clazay

Back home in Canada we've been more or less ignored on previous tours, and I think I know how to change this. I emailed our Prime Minister, the Honourable Mr. Martin. I've explained how the act of adding one simple "L" after the "C" in Canada would improve our economy, not to mention my life. He's gotten back to me, and he's considering it. But he kept muttering something about softwood lumber and I couldn't for the life of me see what that had to do with Clay.

Clabby, is there a cure for this? Failing that, could you at least validate my disorder? Tell me I'm fine, it's normal, and hey, tell me you'll join me, Karen Eh? and Jill on this world-wide road trip? I'll need continuous therapy and advice.

Signed, Lynda

Clinging to Clack in Clanada

Dear Clinging to Clack Lynda,

Whew! You troubled fans are long winded!! Betcha could hold a few glory notes of your own.

Lynda, Clabby loves to probe the depths of a problem. If you have any problem depths, I would suggest you probe them too��it can be very therapeutic.

And speaking of therapeutic, something in that list of venues, the French connection Clachaloze resonates with me. I see the word Thorazine, but, I can't prescribe (or share any of my own) drugs. And you want me to join you this summer? In order to have easy access to my sage advice and validate your parking��you didn't mean validate your feelings, did you? HA! That would be too funny!! Ahem��.

Claylick, sounds like a prime venue. *Sigh* Clabby will consider traveling with you and your *friends* to this venue. Clay Prairie, I'll pass��much prefer hills and valleys, *SIGH* ��lots of ups and downs. Claybecq, *sigh* Lynda, changing the name of Quebec does not divert from the fact that Clay seems to avoid Canada. What DID you people do to him in Toronto last year? And didn't YOU have a backstage pass that night��I honestly think you Canadians frightened him half to death with that beaver parade. You can't even get away with THAT kind of thing at Mardi Gras��.imagine, claiming to be Mountees! No wonder he has international insecurity���

Claygate�� um, just "No", avoid gates whenever possible��Although, if the gate leads to Clay Ranchettes, then, yes, I could be Clayverted to that venue. Can't you just picture Clay Ranchettes? Row upon row of little stucco bungalows and a cherry tree in every yard��stripy shirts waving on backyard clotheslines and a Schwinn lying flat in every driveway.*sigh*Oh, to be a Clayford Wife!

Clayhatchee, I think any "hatchee" would be more than pleased to have Clay in front of it, don't you? Now, Claypole, I'm thinking the pole should be in front of Clay there... And there's a Clack in Mississippi? How odd considering our boyfriend hasn't set a toe in there, as far as Clabby knows, and SHE knows everything! Funny you didn't run across any New Clack in your travels

Clabber Bottom, I think Kat lives there, we'll stay with her. Clackamas? Didn't I read an article in the media that Clackamas is hitting the charts in October?

Oh dear, Clabby somehow got off topic, how unusual! Whew!! Let's try to concentrate on your real life dilemma shall we?... Places where you and Clay could possibly come together. The places you list as being within touching distance are: Providence, and hey, your ticket has already been provided, thanks to that lovely *friend* Karen Eh?. The State Flower of Rhode Island is the violet��purple! I think we can work with this. Their State Stone is jade; I believe you would be quite enamored with the sight of jade green you are sure to see in Providence. Green and purple coming together�works for me��..that Karen Eh? is smarter than she looks.

Hmmm�� Portland, Maine�� the State Animal is the moose. Really nothing to do with Clay, but I find the word moose to be hilarious, as is just about anything to do with meese (mooses? multiple moose?). The State Cat is the Maine Coon Cat, any state that has a State cat should be anathema to Clay, so you could tell yourself that you must attend the concert to be emotionally supportive of him. Heck�� Maine even has an official State Soil!! There you go�� Clay connection���venue solved.

We could talk about Syracuse and Albany but the time is running out on your meter and Clabby REALLY doesn't validate parking��she just made one of her funnies up there in paragraph one. Hope this frees up your itinerary a little bit at least. You're running with a pretty wild crowd there, young lady and quit bugging the prime minister��if he finds out we're out here��he'll slap a tariff on Clack��and trust me, Mississippi doesn't want that.

Signed,

Dear Clabby��who's backed to the wall and getting a hand.

Have a problem with any aspect of your relationship (or lack thereof) with Clay? Are your relationships with family and friends suffering in the shadow of your utter devotion to your perfect boyfriend? Do you care? If so, maybe Clabby can help. Send your letters to: [email protected]/Dear Clabby.

Today's big picture lovingly inserted by Wendy in FL.