2004-09-18
8:32 a.m.

Talk Like a Pirate Day (is Tomorrow)

It's Talk Like a Pirate Day!!

Well, Not Exactly......It's Tomorrow........ Miss America is Today, So We Need to Keep Tomorrow Free for Miss America Because It's Today, Unlike Talk Like A Pirate Day...... Which is Actually Tomorrow.....Arrrr!!!!

At a broken down wharf below Atlantic City, New Jersey, the brigantine "Lady of Lechery" gently rocks on her moorings. Casino hotels dot the sky along the horizon, their flags wave goodbye to the last few stragglers who make their way from the boardwalk back to the ship. The Lechery's crew of Broadly pirate wenches bustles about cleaning and polishing and preparing the ship for her voyage........a day trip.......just off the beach.

The anticipation for this day is building. Fond memories of last year's shenanigans abound. The Broads took a young cabin boy aboard for his maiden voyage. They snapped this lovely photo with a disposable camera just before he boarded........Ah! This sweet picture of innocence, this comely lad, those sparkling eyes, the shell pink lips, the look on his face......mmm......maybe a little bit different when he left.......tee hee.

And tho' he was a little bit nervous, at first, about floatin' his dinghy on the deep blue sea, he quickly made himself useful. He always had a spyglass handy in his pocket; he learned that with extra long pant legs, he could sing entertaining sea shanties and swab the decks all at once. A quick study, it wasn't too long before he was hoistin' our main'skirts and flying his Jolly Roger with the best of them.

What fond memories the Broads have of their day at sea with Cabin Boy Clay! Today behind the scenes there is such a buzz......so many new swabbies to join in the fun, so many scurvy wenches back to "toy with his doubloons," "open their treasure chests," and "shiver his timber." All hands are busy. Come, lets have a lurk from the crow's-nest shall we?

Jannet: Here give me a hand with this, okay?

Cella: Sure, I'll be there in a minute, I just have to give this one little push and it'll be nice and secure.

Gini: I don't think I can fit another thing in here.

Lisa: Hmm.....nobody's packed light this time.

Gini: Whew! I'm taking a break.

Jill: I can't believe this has come up again so fast.......and by the way, Gini.....nice boots! Doc Marten's?

Gini: No, you silly.......he did my nose job.

Jannet: Arr!!

Cella: Hey now, it's not until tomorrow.....no jumping the gun!

Jannet: Sorry, I forgot myself for a second.

Lisa: Can't we do just one?

Cella: Well, okay....one each.....Arrr!!!

Jannet: Arrr!!!!

Jill: Arrr!!!

Lisa: Arrrr!!!

Gini: Arrr!!!

Jannet: Has the captain boarded yet?

Jill: That be her over there.

Lisa: Oooohhhh! She's scary.

Cella: Oh, don't let her looks be deceivin' ya. She's really a pussy cat.......mum's the word to the cabin boy, though? Icksnay on the usspay, okay

Gini: What about the first mate?

Cella: Aye, wench, she's aboard too.

Jannet: Okay, the stores are loaded, the decks have been swabbed, and the grog is on tap.

Jill: Have we got enough eye patches? Cap'n Crunch? 'Tis the cat o' nine tails well hid?

Cella: I'd say we're ready for boardin' and can weigh anchor soon.

Gini: Has anyone seen the cabin boy yet?

Jannet: Not that I know of, but he'll be 'long soon enough.

Lisa: He'll be 'long when?

Jannet: Soon enough, I said....soon enough.

Jill: Heck, we never saw much of him before two last year.

Gini: Is that him there? I think I see him, Broads!!! OMG!!! There he is!!!!!

Lisa: Wheee!!! Clay!!! Avast ye swabby!! Welcome back to the Lady of Lechery!

Cella: Ahoy, matey!! Do yer cannon need a porthole?

Jill: Arr!!

Jannet: Arr!!

Jill: OMG, There he goes!!

Lisa: Huh?

Gini: He went right past us and he's wearin' his civies.

Jannet: Get me spyglass out a me duffle.

Jannet: OMG!!!!!

Jill: Let me see........Let me see!!!!

Jannet: He's boarding a galleon.

Lisa: He's what?

Jannet: He's boarding another ship.....they're piping him aboard.

Cella; Like a captain?

Jannet: Yeah, like a captain.......he's taken command of his own vessel.

Gini: Well, Shiver me timbers!

Jill: Not if we don't get him back, he won't

Cella: What else can ye see?

Jannet: Looks like he's lined up a crew.....here.

Lisa: OMG!!! He doesn't feed them.

Jill: Or he's workin' em to the bone.

Gini: Can ye make out the name on the side of the ship?

Jannet: Um........it says........HMS Serpent.

Lisa: Holy Mother Ship

Jannet: You got that right.

Cella: Won't be much of a Talk Like a Pirate Day without Cabin Boy Clay.

Jill: *Sniff*

Lisa: Arr! Wench, use yer sleeve fer God sake!

Jill: *Sniff*

Cella: Hold yer bilge water......yer startin' to get on me nerves.

Jill: You don't understand. This is all my fault. He's never coming back.

Gini Oh, he's coming back alright........we'll get him back.

Jill: Oooohhhhh!!! I am soooo gonna get flogged when the captain finds out what I did.

Jannet: Well, spill it...what did you do?

Jill: Well, I really didn't mean to cause no harm, honest! But one day I saw him sleeping *sigh* and wouldn't ya know it......quite by accident I found a sharpie in his pocket........and I got to playin' with it, see? Well, next thing I know I had a treasure map drawn on his belly. Wanna see the picture I took before he woke up?

Jill: Anyway, makin' a long story short.......it took hours to get it off in the tub.......he kept the captain waiting and I think she had a hard time keepin' her claws off him that night.

Lisa: Did you draw that with your left hand?

Jannet: Hmmm.......were Sharpies on the list of provisions?

Cella: Keep an eye to that vessel and mind ye.......not a peep to the captain or I fear there'll be a few less fer supper tonight

Jill: Can ye see anything else?

Jannet: OMG!!!

Lisa: What?

Jannet: He's changed his clothes.........I don't see a t-shirt!

Gini: Hulll-Oh!!

Jannet: I see his pistol. It's sticking up from his belt and it looks to be loaded. His scabbard is dangling loose from 'is hip and he seems to have traded in 'is hat fer a bandana.

Cella: That's to keep his ears tucked in since Julie's not there, I'd bet.

Lisa: Unhook the jolly boat......we're going ter fetch 'im and we're getting' im back before those strumpets have time to tarnish his barnacles.

Gini: Um......is that necessarily a bad thing? I mean if they're tarnished, won't they be needing extra polishin'?

Lisa: Gini, sometimes you think too much..........okay, okay wenches....Row!! Row!! Faster!! Faster!! Hard!! Come On Harder!!

The Broads make the short trip along the shore in good time once Jannet relinquishes her oars to Cella. On the way over they talk amongst themselves and decide that Karen Eh's new haircut is a big improvement over her old style, that the Yankees will likely win the World Series, and that if they can get Cabin Boy Clay to return, he could be Captain Aiken if that's what he really wanted. After all, Captain Aiken wouldn't be too far removed from bossy Clay and all the Broads liked 'im lots and lots. The co-captains idea worked on basketball teams.......so what if it had never been tried on a pirate ship before. They were certain that this could be worked out.

The tiny jolly boat draws to the side of the Serpent. Quietly the Broads disembark. They slip o'er the gunn'alls and onto the deck......unannounced and unnoticed because the crew of the Serpent is too busy fawning and fussing over their new master and commander.

Dead men tell no tales and Jill hands them their keys to Davy Jones locker........"Take all yer belongin's boys. Ye won't be coming back."

Jannet whips out her sword........

Jannet: Okay, darlin's get yer fancy little tushies up on that board and start walkin'. Time to make this a real swimsuit competition......Off ye go, now.......that plank's not getting' any longer.

Cella: Captain, your crew's made quite a splash, I see.

Captain Aiken: Well, I would prefer to remain dry, if it's all the same to you me fine scurvy wenches.

Jill: Oooohh......he called me a scurvy wench!!!!

Gini: You are a scurvy wench!!

Captain Aiken: Ah meant a curvy wench........

Lisa: I wanna be a comely lass. Can I be a comely lass.........pretty please?

Captain Aiken: Well, yer pretty and ye pleases me....so I guess I can make ye comely lass. Arrrr!!

Lisa:Arrrr!!

Captain Aiken: Nice boots by the way! Dr. Scholl's?

The plundering Broads load their shiny new captain and their considerable booty into the jolly boat. On the way back to the Lady of Lechery they discuss many things. There were unresolved questions from last year.....which is bigger......his yardarm or his hornpipe? Why does a man with two perfectly good legs always seem to have a wooden one at the ready; and whether or not the 20% off Wonder Bra sale down at the Pillage Village Mall was a good deal or not? Jill didn't think she could afford to take 20% off, Captain Aiken did a boobage check and tended to agree........she'd best save her loot and stay home.

A' fore long they were docked, and aboard their own special "Lady."

Gini: Whew! What a day!!

Jannet: No kidding.........time to put out o' port, I'd say.

Jill: Aye! Time to put out!!

Lisa: Anyone seen either captain since we boarded?

Cella: I believe they're in negotiations.........

Not a fan of the stubble, eh? Well, we can play shave the cabin boy, if ye want to lass.........

And did I tell ye how much I admires yer boots?

Arrr!!!

********

Captain Mary Bonney/ aka Keh-ren

This only comes once a year........ INTERNATIONAL TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY

Shake yer pirate booty...........SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 19, 2004

Put a little swagger in your vernacular, a little whimsy in your everyday conversation.

Posted by Nelle

Special thanks to Cella, who started the LBFCA tradition of celebrating Talk Like a Pirate Day last year.

*sniff* I believe we are the only Clay Aiken fan site that honors this important holiday!